My decision to forgive and release.


I've had a rough week. I got in an argument with Cecilio inside of Macy's on Monday, I had issues with my dentist and a run in with my older sister yesterday that caused me so much hurt all day yesterday (and I had a job interview yesterday too!). So I posted on Facebook this status: 

"I make mistakes and I am human, but I still have a hard time forgiving myself because I don't wanna be like "it's ok" in a flaky way. I need to practice self compassion but I'm having a hard time. I'm sorry if I hurt anyone. Also I don't know if it's because of graduating college and getting married, since those are 2 huge transitions, I find myself cringing and regretting all the stupid things I did, said and acted in high school, I was so horrible and immature (but who wasn't?) I feel super remorseful...but I shouldn't be stuck in the past about that. What's done is done."

Like I said above, I have been thinking a lot about high school (even though I am 8-12 years removed from that time in my life) because I just graduated college and got engaged. I guess I am really processing my emotions back then, but at the same time looking back to see how far I have come. I was at an ugly stage in that life with being combative with some friends and losing them in the process. I was also pining over one of my exes, even though he made it clear that he didn't want to be with me anymore, but I was also confused because he kept talking to me on AIM and said stuff that made me feel like he still liked me (in other words, he played me). 

So my friend Danielle replies and tells me I did absolutely wrong in high school. But I said, "remember how our group of friends turned on each other?"

Then she sent me a long private message, apologizing and feeling extremely guilty. Because one time during junior year (10 years ago), my house got tee pee'd by 3 of my ex friends (one of it being Danielle's boyfriend at the time, but now they have broken up a long time ago). She knew about it (and I knew he was part of the tee peeing, but they did it to other people's houses too) and she thought they did it because I was/am a Christian (almost all of my friends were agnostic, atheist or into New Age)...she didn't want him to go to jail because of a hate crime because of how crazy in love she was with him, but she told him to clean up that mess they made at my house or that she would break up with him. Then she saw one of our mutual "friends" (well, this girl Mariah, was a big frenemy to me who was also a part of the tee peeing), and Mariah told her another story about why they did that, and Danielle got pissed that Mariah was justifying that yet never even apologized for her skinny dipping with Dan (Danielle's ex). She felt so bad for me throughout all of this, and she told me "fuck all of them, you were so sweet to everyone and our friends were nasty know-it-alls who wanted to put other people down to make themselves look smarter. Look how much you accomplished with graduating college and I wish you the best on your marriage".

Needless to say me and Danielle aren't a part of that group anymore, we haven't been since we left high school. She too graduated college in Colorado but moved back here, and she is now engaged to someone else and seem SO much happier than ever during our time in high school. As for our "friends"? I told her that I don't want to pay attention anymore, because even though they acted so arrogant, I haven't seem a lot of them accomplish much in their lives. Sad but true. I forgave her for not being involved in the whole tee peeing incident or choosing Dan over my wellbeing. I told her I understood because of how people do crazy things when in love: look how much I was agonizing over Kevin (the ex I was crazy about) and how I went on to date a couple of more people but still was pining over him. And I totally know how remorseful she felt, unlike the others.

So before she messaged me all of that, I kept thinking about how I was back then and totally regretted the way I acted. I mean, I can't change that part of me now since I made those decisions. And it's hard not to agonize and cringe. But somehow throughout all of it, my decisions led me to go to community college and I met Cecilio there on the first day, since we both shared a common ground of joining our school newspapers senior year. And I told him everything that happened since them. He felt bad, and he didn't let it stop him from loving and wanting to be with me. I'm always forever thankful for that, because all I want to do is build a future with him.

I do forgive those former friends, I have a long time ago. But forgiving doesn't mean that they need to be back in your life.

I don't have enemies now (that I know of), but I think about forgiveness in my day to day life. Sometimes my mom or sister will say something that really hurts and takes me all day (or even the next day) to let it go. It's a struggle, but I pray for guidance and strength. Holding a grudge takes a toll on me mentally and physically: I knew God was trying to tell me something when  2 articles about forgiveness popped up on my newsfeed last week...Scientific Case for Forgiveness and 10 Keys to Forgiveness...a Christian Perspective (one that a family friend tagged me in, since she has lupus and her case is more severe than mine, she tags me in a lot of health articles and verses).

It's never easy. It's safer to wrap yourself in the blanket of bitterness to spare yourself from being hurt again. But only when you do forgive you can move forward and build the life you dream of, and improve your relationships with others.

2 comments :

  1. Girl, you've been a busy bee on this page! It's amazing! I totally agree, it's best to forgive but it doesn't mean those people belong in your life. I've cut a lot of bad influences and partially why I'm not big on social media. We are forgiven and God doesn't hold it against us ever, so we must forgive and keep moving forward! Sending lots of love and prayers your way! I'm so proud of you!

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    1. LOL yeah, I have a lot of time on my hands right now as I'm still searching for work, I have an unpaid internship right now for about 18 hours a week (but lately they've been giving me day offs for Labor Day, nothing for me to do, office is closed,etc.) so I've just been planning and rescheduling my posts. I'm glad to see you back! Oh yeah, I had a pretty bad group of friends in high school and I don't even speak to most of them anymore, that's how bad it was. It's just better to have less friends than a lot who are really toxic to you. Thanks for posting! <3

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